i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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