Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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