well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
