i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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