i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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