I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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