I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
