love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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