apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
