What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
