dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
