my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
