I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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