Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
