Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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