I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
