Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
