went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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