do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
sarcasm needs its own font
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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