she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
