Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Someone came in the potted fern
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
