Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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