I want to stick my p in your. b.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
