I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
