Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
