I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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