just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
