He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
