So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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