I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
