I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
