My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
