he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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