Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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