I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
