took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
