They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
