were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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