if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
