I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
