My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
