Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
