i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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