I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
