they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
