My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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