I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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