Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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