i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
