Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
